Let's Get It On

Sex is a big deal, no matter who you are. I am 24 years old and I have never had sex. Every girl who reads this will be thinking "good for you," while every guy who reads this will be thinking "dude, you need to get laid." Let me state, for the record, that I am NOT "saving myself for marriage." I AM, however, waiting until I am in a relationship with someone I care about. And there are girls I have cared/do care about that I would consider getting intimate with even if we weren't dating. I have had offers on a few occasions that I had to turn down, though. This is the story of one of them.

I had someone comment about the last post as to why both girls in my last post were called "whores" without an explanation. It's because both girls have offered to have sex with me, and I've turned down both of them. Now, I am generally not a shallow person. Both Tammi and Shelly are attractive girls, but I had to turn them both down because of my "rule." However, I must give a short and somewhat vague description of Tammi to give some perspective: She is taller than me and weighed the same as me (at the time this story takes place, anyway). So she was big, but pretty. And she would speak in a British accent, which I LOVED. And she gave me massages, which I also loved.

One day, Tammi, Shelly, and I went to an acquaintance's birthday party. The party consisted of the three of us, the birthday boy, and two other people. If we didn't go, he would've been pretty much alone, and I would have felt terrible (even though this guy was an INCREDIBLE ass-hat). So as I said, we went to his party. I didn't drink. The girls did. So after the party, I had to take Shelly back to her aunt's house, where she lived: 20 minutes away from Cedar Rapids. The whole way there, she talked about how drinking made her REALLY horny. So that made me REALLY uncomfortable. Her offer of sex came from that drive home, in which my response was simple:

"Do you want to have a relationship?"
"No, I just want to have sex!"
"Then no."

So I dropped her off at home and proceeded back to Cedar Rapids with Tammi. She didn't want to go home, yet, and she lived in Marion, so I was okay with not driving all the way there at that particular moment. So we stopped at Wal-Mart for snack food. While we were there, we passed the condoms and Tammi stopped.

"I'm buying these."
"Okay..."
"We should have sex tonight."

Now pheromones are a powerful bitch, people. I didn't say no. I didn't say yes, but I didn't say no. I shrugged and let her buy the condoms. And that was all we bought, because then we went back to my place. It was about midnight at this point.

For those of you who are incredible geeks, like me, you know what was on TV at midnight on Adult Swim in 2005. For those of you who aren't familiar, I will tell you: Futurama. If you don't know what Futurama is, google it. It is a fantastic show created by Matt Groening, the guy who created the Simpsons. But I digress.

So we were at my place, in my room (because my uncle was home, and I lived with him), with the door shut and Futurama on TV. I had the box of condoms in my hand and I passed them back and forth in my hands, thinking. And watching Futurama. Mostly watching Futurama. But I considered the consequences of doing this. Now, I knew she didn't want a relationship from this. She just wanted the sex. I was 19, a virgin, and here was a girl offering to change that. So of course, I considered it. Eventually I decided it wasn't worth it. So when Futurama was over, I took her home.

I want to point this out now, because I feel so proud about this: I am the ONLY guy she has ever offered sex to that has turned her down. And she OBSESSED over it for the next 2 years, at least. I'm sure if I still saw her and talked to her, it would bother her again. But yes, I can say this, and for that I'm proud.

Now I have two post-scripts to this story. First, the condoms' fates. They sat in my dresser drawer for about 2 weeks when Kent came over one day and started snooping around in my drawer. He found them, asked why I had them and then listened to this story. He laughed and told me he was taking them. I don't know if he ever used them, but after that there were no condoms in that particular dresser/room.

The second post-script came 2 years ago. New Year's Eve, 2007. I was hanging out with Stan and Jesse as well as our friends Topher and Frank at Topher and Jesse's house. We were planning on drinking at the house then going downtown to drink some more. I have apologized many times for this, because while drinking, I ruined Jesse's night and he ended up not coming out with us because of it. While Stan and I were making fun of each other, I stood up to go slap him. He ran down the hallway and as I came around the corner of the hallway, I stumbled (because I was drunk) and slammed into the wall, putting a two foot hole in the wall. I am a champion like that. Note to self: Do not chase Stan when drunk. Bad things happen.

Anyway, after I said I would pay for it and Jesse decided he wasn't going to go out with us, we started walking toward downtown. Luckily, another friend of ours, Lisa, was driving to the house to hang out. So she took us downtown, instead of us having to walk about a mile and a half.

I don't know about you guys, but when I think New Year downtown and picking up girls for said event, I think "hey, let's go to the gay bar." Now, that's sarcasm, for those of you who can't tell, but that's exactly where we went. Studio 13, where innocence is lost. I have always hated that place (not because I hate gays, but because it's crowded, noisy, and there's a lot of drug use going on... Okay, and it smells a little like astroglide), and yet I get dragged there at LEAST once a year.

When we got there, Tammi was sitting at the bar. Let me reiterate: I was DRUNK. And lonely. So I went right to her. We hadn't seen each other in a few months so we hugged. Then I mentioned that I had no one to kiss at midnight. And she said she didn't either. So we decided we'd kiss each other. I think this is hilarious: After midnight, when we kissed, she told me I was a really good kisser. As I remember it, it was wet and sloppy and there was far too much tongue involved. Maybe I'm just a very conservative kisser, I don't know. However, after that, I began randomly making out with her and feeling her up. Luckily, Stan, Lisa, Adam, and Topher all knew what would happen and dragged me out of the bar.

I lived about a block and a half from Studio, so I didn't have far to walk. I kept talking about how I wanted to go back and have sex with Tammi, but thankfully my friends kept me walking home. When I got home, I proceeded to sit on the couch and watch TV for a while before bed.

Here, my friends, is the post-script to the post-script. About an hour later, Frank calls me. He met this girl at Studio and they couldn't get a cab, so he wanted to know if they could stay at my place. Because that wouldn't be a mistake for me to say yes to. So I said yes. He brought the girl over, who I found out was 30 years old and had a kid. They pushed the couches together (the first time!) and we all went to bed.

I woke up at about 8 AM the next morning to the sounds of her moaning. Yes, people, Frank and this random girl were having sex on my couches. About an hour later, they left my apartment and I went back to sleep. When I woke up, I immediately flipped the cushions and hoped to GOD that there wasn't a used condom stuffed in there somewhere (Spoiler: There wasn't).